"On my own,
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know
It's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say,
There's a way for us.

I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him,
But every day I'm learning,
All my life,
I've only been pretending
Without me,
His world will go on turning,
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him...
I love him...
I love him...
But only on my own"

-On My Own, Les Miserables

"Let your heart be light. Next year all our troubles will be out of sight"

" I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are just too bright... and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice... but still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.

But there are times I curse him for the dreams he left behind... dreams where I am lost in a warm place with no memory. An ocean so big it strikes me dumb. Waves so quiet they strike me deaf. Sunshine so bright it strikes me blind. It is a place that is blue beyond reason. Bluer than can possibly exist. Bluer than my mind can possibly grasp. I am terrified. There is no way home. " -Shawshank Redemption

Dear Editor, I am 8 years old.

Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.

Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.”

Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

115 W. 95th St.

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10 thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

"If it is important to you, you will find a way. If it is not, you will find an excuse."

‎"Know who's behind you" -Boardwalk Empire

‎"You know the funniest thing about prison? The people that pretend they wanna leave" -The Town

‎

"Everything about me is contrived" -Caleb Followill

‎"I didn't invent the rainy day, I just own the best umbrella" -Almost Famous

"And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones."

"Make the most of what comes and the least of what goes"

Ain't it the truth

"The greatest moments in life are not concerned with selfish achievements, but rather with the things we do for other people."

An explanation of sorts

I've gotten a lot of metaphorical pats on the back for my recent blog entries. Power to women, power to the lovelorn, power to the people who have been hurt before, etc. etc. And I've obviously had a few people say "Whoa JenJan, TMI, especially for you". And I get that. I am by nature a pretty composed and private person. That's pretty obvious. I like that about myself and that's still who I am (in certain forums apparently). Writing has always been an outlet for me. I can get my thoughts out faster typing than writing or even talking (seriously, ask people that I text on a regular basis). This blog is and always has been a complete stream of consciousness. It is small parts of what reels through my brain. It is definitely not everything that goes on in my head or an accurate interpretation of how I feel on a daily basis. But it gives my thoughts a permanent place to go in case I ever need to refer back, vent, and let's just say it serves many a purpose.

Lately, a lot more has been going on up in the ol' JenJan's Brain than usual. I don't regret anything that I have written, because my brain was there at one time. But I can see how the blog can seem misleading i.e. make it seem like my most recent days have been a miserable psycho-bitch bitterness struggle or that I'm on a downward spiral to destroy all men in my path. Quite the opposite. This is the first time in a long time that I have focused on myself, or even exposed anything about myself, especially in a semi-public forum. And yea it's scary and seems emo or cliche, but for now it's therapeutic. It's a weird rush to have people relate to you. Some of these blogs were typed out to just simply release thoughts. Some were typed so that I could remind myself what I deserve and how a situation really went, so I can't convince myself later that it went any other way.

But I don't want anyone to be mistaken: I do not hate anyone.

That is definite and that is true. I wouldn't come across as so angry in some of these posts if I didn't still care. I have been angry and needed to get things out in my own way, and have been sad and have been happy, just like anyone else. Anger and pride can easily be exaggerated, especially after being hurt. But always seems to be easier to remember. It was a small attempt to make things final, to remind myself of things. This blog was started and still is more for me than anyone else. I just post it because I know some people like reading it, and it sometimes saves me a million verbally repeated explanations. Yes, a break up is very common and seemingly easy after time. As are the other inevitable ups and down of life. We all do this dance in different ways. And I deeply care about all the these things I am currently going through and the people involved. I can come across with a "Fuck it" attitude, but those of you who know me, knows that it's only rooted in my ability to always secretly still give a shit. I am a worrier and I am a deep thinker and I dissect things to death and that's just my brain. I guess I can't explain it any other way than it just feels good to write it out sometimes. It might not be the most honorable of routes to take or most admirable, but being honest and true to myself has always been my route I guess. Even on the interweb machine.

You were the only thing in my life that ever made any sense. And then you stopped making sense.

dontwastemytime.com

I am definitely someone who should NEVER try online dating. But I have strong feelings on the subject, like most things. I feel as if they're like job applications. They're unrealistic and people put out the best versions of themselves on there, or even the people they want to be. So it's not authentic. I had a neighbor once who's wife left him and he put a personal ad in the paper that read "Fat, bald, poor and honest. But I'm a fun guy". He wrote the only legit personal ad I've ever seen. In honor of Joe, god rest his soul, I started thinking how things would go for people, or if we would even need these sites, if people were more honest and in touch with the people they actually are. There should be one universal, brutally honest, dating site, if any of them have to exist: I've named it dontwastemytime.com. It should contain the important questions. Not questions about generic body type descriptions or even interests. I've come up with a list of example questions for my site (the domain isn't claimed yet by the way so if anyone tries to steal my million dollar idea, this blog is dated bitches). It's the small things that determine whether or not we are compatible. So here goes some of the types of questions I think should go up there:

Would you ever decorate your yard with an inflatable holiday decoration?

White leggings: your thoughts.

Do you think George Clooney is charming or a douchebag?

Do you have over 700 friends on facebook?

Are you freaked out by a microwaves ability to zap food or do you consider it a gift from the heavens?

How many cats do you own?

How many times annually do you think you use the words "dude, bro, epic, or bomb"?

How many books have you read that were not once a summer reading requirement?

What's your favorite website (pornographic or not)?

How often do you wash your sheets?

How often would you say you discuss your gym routine? Do you have a fitness routine?

How many graphic tee shirts do you own?

Do you keep rope in your car?

How many items of clothing do you have with sayings on them?

Is the front of your fridge cluttered with magnets or clear?

How often do you give the thumbs up and really mean it?

Hate or love small talk?

Are you one of those people who get excited to run into people from high school?

Do you have a Myspace?

Do you own a bicycle?

Do you do your grocery shopping at Walmart?

Do you think Keith Richards is a visionary, or a scary old dude?

Do you consider driving to NH "traveling"?

Spencer Gifts Merchandise: hilarious and necessary? or cringeworthy?

Do you have a wife?

You get the idea... I'm open to suggestions for questions

Obligatory Indie Film Review

Looks like a pretty good trailer right? At least to a female or overly sensitive male movie-goer. I was excited to see this movie. It won best film at Sundance. How bad could it be? Wellllll... Let's say this: I had a similar experience with Blue Valentine. I was all amped by the trailer (stupid sepia lighting and emo songs), but the movie was miserable! At least the acting in Blue Valentine was phenomenal. The story just made me want to slit my wrists. Anyways, back to Like Crazy. Oh look, a quirky English girl and could-be-cute-if-he's-funny unknown actor. An ideally perfect set up. The English girl wasn't that cool or charming and the male lead was a creepy mcreeperson who just wanted to pull some out of his league tail. She pursued him and was semi-endearing at times cause you felt bad for her but he was just kind of a weird creepy idiot. Never have I cared less about a couple than in this movie. Even the falling in love montages are stupid. Oh, we're driving go carts and throwing sand at eachother at the beach. Lame. First of all, the dialogue consists of overly laughing at nothing, one cliche semi-conversation about sleeping with other people, a few gasps, and more overly laughing at nothing (we get it, English girls have cute laughs). "Do you like whiskey mwuahahahaha. I like Paul Simon". What the hell... Each scene was littered with imagery to suck in the hipster elite: an Urban Outfitters bag here, an Anthropology mug there, a plethora of old lady dresses she wears (I owned one of them, dammit), flannel shirts and mussed up side braids everywhere. They should have just had Zoey Deschanel prancing by in the background. We get the message. Not to mention a crazy obsession with an Ikea looking wooden chair that supposedly symbolized their whole relationship. The chair is her. The chair is him. The chair is disappointment. The new chair is scary and unwelcome. Stop with the chair! The male lead is a furniture designer who literally sits around sketching a picture of the same exact chair design the whole movie. A standard, boxy, wooden chair. His business apparently starts booming, with this chair. And every time they cut to his professional environment him and his business partner discuss things like oh, wooden chairs, and different colors they can make wooden chairs. Maybe blue, maybe orange, mostly just plain wood colored. Overly obvious symbolism is obnoxious and really hard not to make fun of. I felt like I was in Mystery Science Theater 3000, which is saying a lot considering I was in a very sentimental, break-upy type mood so I was super susceptible to this film.

I won't be completely negative. There were a few good scenes, that, if stuck in any other movie, probably could have been great. But they were in this movie so I barely noticed them. There is a scene where she calls him after breaking up the first time and they do the dance of the awkward, let's pretend to be acquaintances talk very well. They talk about what's going on in their lives and it's cordial but hurtful at the same time and she hangs up. Then she gasps for air a little bit staring into space. We all know the subtle gasp. She immediately calls him back, teary eyed and regrettful and let's out a "....hi" that could break anyone's heart that has been through it before. The helpess feeling that something may not work out. Her phone calls to him throughout the movie do come across as authentic. She calls him another time and says simply "I feel so strongly that we are meant to be together. And I can't shake it. I don't think I will move on from it" The simple way she says things sometimes in this movie does and can tug at the heart strings. Cause you feel it. Then the movie snaps out of the dialogue, cause god forbid, and it starts to suck again. I am very interested in seeing the hard copy of the script because it was a pretty long movie and I already think I have alll of the dialogue memorized because there were so few words spoken.

There's also a scene depicted over one of their summers where they are laying in bed night after night in different spooning positions and it does remind how powerful the simple act of sleeping next to someone one a regular basis is, and how it will eternally bind you, apart or not. I liked that scene.

In the male actors defense, he does play a pretty believable "guy", just kind of being blase and not knowing what to do and shutting down to emotion and being kind of useless in most situations. The whole time you're thinking "Why doesn't he just live in England? There are chairs there! This can all be solved." But he's got a piece of ass in the States so I guess that made sense. It was disappointing cause it was too boring and too much like relationships that we've all unfortunately seen, minus the whole Visa thing I guess. It's a lame try at a relationship. Not an overcome-all-obstacles love story which, I guess, even I am a sucker for. I half wanted him to bust out the "I've gone to see about a girl" line! At the end of the movie, and I don't care if this is a spoiler because I am doing you a favor, they have gotten back together one more time and are standing in the shower together and do a drapey armed hug. They show each characters' face and a reminiscence of their happy times together. They show the girls face remembering him and how she began to love him, a sequence of his best moments. Then they show the same with him, remembering her in the past, and why he's there. Why they've tried to make it work all this time. You immediately relate to it and start running a movie reel in your own head about your ex or your past relationships. If there's love, you reel over the reasons how it possibly didn't work out. If these two can make it work, can't anyone? And you think, this is the movie's pinnacle. Some great emotional conversation is about to happen or maybe they'll break up for good with fond memories or maybe they'll figure out too much has changed to go back, or maybe they'll fall madly back in love without sad looks on their face... And then the credits roll. And just like if you have been in a similar type relationship as portrayed in this movie, you feel cheated.

Further Dissecting a "Man's" Quarter Life Crisis

OK, so I think I've figured it out. When a lot of guys hit the age of 22 or 23, some after graduating college, some not, they tend to hit their quarter life crisis. A quarter life crisis, much like a mid-life crisis, is usually a sad subconscious attempt to shake themselves of their responsibilities. Usually because they are disappointed where their life is or has not reached yet. And sometimes it's worse if they spend their time around well-adjusted females because they think "Crap, she has her shit together and she's a girl. What's that make me?" It's a process of running away from things instead of facing them. Older men think, oh I better act like I'm in my twenties before I hit my fifties. Younger guys think, I better act how I did in my late teens before I hit 25 or worse, 30. So around 23 they start freaking and turning back into their 19 yr old selves. Which is by far the worrrrst, most unattractive version of themselves. Sucks that guys have so many freak out stages lately. I think they can also hit another minor identity crisis when they hit 25 because they think, I have so much to do before I'm 30! or it's all over by the time I'm 28. As if growing up and becoming an adult is a huge scary burden. It is what you make of it. You can have fun along the way without making an ass of yourself. Don't get in the way of these men without identities, cause they can try to destroy you. They'll deny the pettiness they're going through cause it's clearly a weakness and turn things on you instead if you try to let you help them out of it. They will look to you, and make a list of things they think are wrong with you to ease themselves. Then they'll run off, buy a motorcycle, hook up with a bunch of chubby drunk townie chicks, smoke weed into oblivion, grow their hair out, try a lame career change, move to another state, move in with a group of "bro-ish" friends as if to re-live the glory days, etc. etc., you get the idea. But it's such a clear, distinctable pattern for insecure men it's starting to become nauseating. As if creepy middle aged men growing out ponytails weren't bad enough, now we have to worry about the young guys not having their shit together too! If there isn't already a well-researched thesis paper somewhere out there on this on-going trend, stay tuned... I am, after all, a Boston-based Trends Reporter :)

Yea...I relate to a Rihanna song... so...

We fell in love in a hopeless place