An explanation of sorts

I've gotten a lot of metaphorical pats on the back for my recent blog entries. Power to women, power to the lovelorn, power to the people who have been hurt before, etc. etc. And I've obviously had a few people say "Whoa JenJan, TMI, especially for you". And I get that. I am by nature a pretty composed and private person. That's pretty obvious. I like that about myself and that's still who I am (in certain forums apparently). Writing has always been an outlet for me. I can get my thoughts out faster typing than writing or even talking (seriously, ask people that I text on a regular basis). This blog is and always has been a complete stream of consciousness. It is small parts of what reels through my brain. It is definitely not everything that goes on in my head or an accurate interpretation of how I feel on a daily basis. But it gives my thoughts a permanent place to go in case I ever need to refer back, vent, and let's just say it serves many a purpose.

Lately, a lot more has been going on up in the ol' JenJan's Brain than usual. I don't regret anything that I have written, because my brain was there at one time. But I can see how the blog can seem misleading i.e. make it seem like my most recent days have been a miserable psycho-bitch bitterness struggle or that I'm on a downward spiral to destroy all men in my path. Quite the opposite. This is the first time in a long time that I have focused on myself, or even exposed anything about myself, especially in a semi-public forum. And yea it's scary and seems emo or cliche, but for now it's therapeutic. It's a weird rush to have people relate to you. Some of these blogs were typed out to just simply release thoughts. Some were typed so that I could remind myself what I deserve and how a situation really went, so I can't convince myself later that it went any other way.

But I don't want anyone to be mistaken: I do not hate anyone.

That is definite and that is true. I wouldn't come across as so angry in some of these posts if I didn't still care. I have been angry and needed to get things out in my own way, and have been sad and have been happy, just like anyone else. Anger and pride can easily be exaggerated, especially after being hurt. But always seems to be easier to remember. It was a small attempt to make things final, to remind myself of things. This blog was started and still is more for me than anyone else. I just post it because I know some people like reading it, and it sometimes saves me a million verbally repeated explanations. Yes, a break up is very common and seemingly easy after time. As are the other inevitable ups and down of life. We all do this dance in different ways. And I deeply care about all the these things I am currently going through and the people involved. I can come across with a "Fuck it" attitude, but those of you who know me, knows that it's only rooted in my ability to always secretly still give a shit. I am a worrier and I am a deep thinker and I dissect things to death and that's just my brain. I guess I can't explain it any other way than it just feels good to write it out sometimes. It might not be the most honorable of routes to take or most admirable, but being honest and true to myself has always been my route I guess. Even on the interweb machine.